If you don’t like what you’re doing at The Great Satan, then just suck at that job and throw some attitude in there for good measure.
Don’t worry, you won’t get fired right away. See, Satan gives his minions about a week to get up to snuff on the job they are assigned to. If He doesn’t think you cut it there, he gets his servants to move you to another job within the department. All under the guise of “doing everything to help you succeed.”
Now, don’t go thinking that Satan’s being nice or anything. He just wants to get the most out of his pre-hire investment in you (i.e, drug test, criminal background check, and all-day orientation) before he kicks you off his team. You get about 2 weeks to prove you’re worthy.
In my case, I was probably a little too obvious in expressing my feelings about the poor way that my unit manager treated her underlings. She didn’t like that. She also didn’t like that fact that I really sucked at handling pallet jacks and lifting 30 pounds 100 times a day. So today, I got the ax. Yeay!
But Satan’s giving me another chance. I got moved to a different job in Outbound Shipping, which I actually kind of enjoy. I box up single orders of books. I don’t get grimy and dirty, and my new manager doesn’t scream her workers on the hour. The work is fast paced, and the rythmic way you approach the task is similar to knitting, except it’s not relaxing.
The only pressure I’m under in this new job is “making the numbers.” This week I”m supposed to box up 160 single orders per hour. In two weeks, I have to be at almost twice that in order to keep my job for the duration. I ended my first day at 136 per hour. Don’t ask me how I’ll meet the post-Thanksgiving quota, it really does seem impossible.
But I’ll try. Because we’re here, this new job isn’t as bad as the last, and I’m a cheap bastardette who wants more money.
The things I’ll do for a buck.